Interestingly enough my reason for reading this again was/is for my brother who is re-building his social life, well, arguably his whole life!
But then again ! So am I!
Whenever disaster strikes! I blame it all!
My book shelf is tipped forward, and all them books fall in a pile on the floor! I kick them to the side, I heap them up in a pile for the bonfire!!!
Did the book shelf topple because I took a hold of it? Could I “sell” that lie?!? NO! Not even to me!
I found myself alienated back in 1995… from my 4 children, my first wife ! Relationship lost! All that I was then becoming ! My career! My calling! ME!!! Was in a heap on the floor!
But for this…
Is this a dagger I see before me, handle toward my hand…
But for me it’s – finding myself having been ALMOST beaten in battle – and then being tempted to fall upon my own sword! A coward’s heart! A cowards end! Pride’s last command!
But then I see, all around me, those that depend on me!
Four little ones way back then! A voice inside said, “be ready!” get up! Get up! Be ready, when they need you at the “end of the day” be ready!
Flashback > my visits during my divorce, were a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back!
I’d work all day Friday, leave that night in a rent-a-car because my own vehicle was a “be lucky to get there”
Check in to the motel! And in the summer set up the tent!
Next morning meet the kids in the parking lot of this and this McDonalds!
I’d cry all the way home!
12 hours of heartbreak healing… only to be torn open again!
They’d arrive freshly meddled with by the ex! And I’m ashamed to say! I meddled right back! But I’d also have to win their hearts! They needed a place to feel and know they’re safe!
They loved Daddy again! And one another! “We’re a family!”
On one particular day… I savoured every moment with them!
But it started to rain!
We were in a park with a climbing type play structure…
I didn’t want the day to end! We still had a coupla hours!
So we went underneath the play structure,
sheltered from the weather – I pulled it from my pocket – my micro recorder.
And invented a game… I’d start a story… speaking into the mic* and hand it to the child beside me, they’d add their bit… then pass it on… it was during this blissful moment… where all was forgotten and all was transcendent, that a quiet voice inside told me not to self implode; To become; To be ready!
Bringin bottle off the shelf, and filling and refilling the glass to numb the pain, and quiet the angst!
Spending my money like a fool and going bankrupt.
There’s lots of ways to disconnect!
To “fall on my own sword”
But I was unaware that such a plan had been hatching! But I heard it the voice calling me away from such a thing as those!
And it continued “…at the end of the day, it’ll be just like this.”
At the end of the day, it’ll be just like this. Be ready! Be all that you can be!
And of course the voice hung up before I could cross examine! LOL! It’s like the song Lady In Black… a little.
It has turned out to be oh so true.
When my kids needed me, I was there for them to find solace in the storm… but only a little! I self condemn! I carry the weight of “my part” around with me! But I was more ready than when it all fell apart!
I walk on like U2 said!
And I’m a long long way from your Hill of Calvary
And I’m a long way from where I was and where I need to be
But the book shelf!
All the books are on the floor! It’s all I ever believed in! My faith! My confident assumptions! Everything id ever been taught! Everything I ever thought I knew was true and right!
But you just can’t move on without a set of books! Restocking the shelf happens like a beating heart and empty lungs refill as you scramble to stay alive!
Back then it was a lady who came along!
Cheryl had her own life to re-build, and she found me like a treasure! But if you stripped away the image, there I lay in a pile of discarded rubbish. But she saw a glint of gold… and pulled me out. And together we re-emerged.
Running Down Vimy 